Fourth of July.

Saturday July 4, 2026

3 months since the breakup today.  And the Fourth of July.  Lord, please give me the strength to get through today! In Jesus name, Amen.  

Dear David - Snakes and Dementia

 June 25, 2026

I saw my first rattle snake on the trail yesterday evening.  I came around a corner and I heard it.  The warning rattle.  The snake was in the grass a few feet from the trail.  The end of its tail was black and white striped.  A diamondback.  He didn't bother me.  Just gave me the one warning rattle.   He was probably laughing at me because when I heard the rattle, I stepped back. But the trail inclined behind me and so I stepped back and fell over!  LOL   But I was able to pass him with no problems.  He was just letting me know he was there.  I feel like I am going to be thinking of that snake now every time I go hiking for a while.   

I have accepted the fact that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life.  I'm just too tired emotionally to worry about that. I'm to the point where I just don't care anymore.  I still wish I could be with you though.  I still love you. I always will. It's been 2 and a half months now. I wonder what you are doing.  I bet you are already seeing someone new.  I won't let myself check your Facebook page.  Your profile pic still shows up on my page though and I hate that.  But I can't bring myself to unfriend you.  I try not to see it.  I don't want to know. I don't want to see your photo change to you and some new girl.   I wonder if you are seeing Erika now.  I know KC and Chastity wanted to set you up with her.  Or maybe you are back with Tammy. 

I don't want to know.  But I can't stop my brain speculating sometimes. 

April 11 was a horrible day.  The drive back was a nightmare.  I think I should have just rented a trailer and pulled it myself.  Everything would have been fine if it was just me and my mom. But my dad was there, and............... I don't even have words to describe it.  Everything seemed fine on the way from TorC to Socorro, except that he drove 40 miles an hour on I25.He thought he could drive the moving van.  We stopped at that steak place that you and I had eaten at.  I could barely eat I was so upset about leaving you.   Then after Socorro, it really got bad.  We were in three vehicles. My dad wouldn't go over 40.  It was so frustrating! And then we lost him.  He had decided to get gas and didn't tell us.  And when my mom finally got ahold of him, he said he was lost and was going back to the hotel in TorC ! We had to turn around and find him. And he was yelling and screaming because he was angry.   We ended up back in TorC at that McDonalds.  It took forever to get him to drive the truck again. Workers from McDonalds came out and stared at us.  My mom kept asking him if he wanted to just drive the car and she would drive the truck, but that made him even angrier because he thought that we thought that he couldn't do it.  (He couldn't!) Finally, we were on our way again.  But he was still driving 40 miles an hour in the truck. 

We decided that maybe we should go the back way because we were afraid that he wouldn't be able to handle going through ABQ.  He stopped twice on the way to Santa Rosa.  Just pulled off by the side of the road and sat there. I guess he was confused???   Anyway, we finally get to Santa Rosa and get on I40 and that's where it really got bad. Yeah, it got worse!  It was getting dark thanks to his driving at a snail's pace. We crept along. My mom and I kept speeding up but then we wouldn't be able to see him, so we'd stop on the side of the road and wait.  After a while my mom told me to just go on ahead. I did but then I get this call from my dad and he's screaming, "I'm lost I'm lost!" and then he hangs up. I try to call him back and he won't answer the phone.  So, I call my mom. She's flipping out and yelling. I stop at a truck stop and wait.  My mom can't find him.  So, I call 911. 

I get back on the highway and go back to where my mom has stopped. It's in Tucumcari at a Motel Six. She talks to the dispatcher and then to the state troopers. The dispatcher calls back and says that they are getting calls about a man driving west bound in the east bound lanes of I40! The troopers find him.  They pick him up and one of the troopers drives the moving van to Tucumcari. When they all get to Tucumcari with the van, my dad has the nerve to ask my mom why she called the police! I wanted to punch him in the face!  

We leave the van at the motel six in Tucumcari and drive back to Amarillo. What should have been a 6-hour drive took 14 hours! We finally pull in at 12:30 a.m. And I had my cats in the car with me!  And on top of that, I was seriously grieving over the breakup.  The next day my mom and I drive back to Tucumcari and get the van, and we unload it into the storage building with the help of my son. 

I want to get back together. I want to try again. I know I can do it.  

I know you'll never see this.  

You don't want me anymore. 

Come rescue me from this nightmare.  

Come love me. 

Dear David - Anger

 Sunday 

05-31-2026

Yesterday I went and watched Backrooms with my son. I liked the movie a lot.  There was no resolution. And I think that was the best choice because if there had been resolution then the backrooms story would have died.  No resolution lets the story continue.

I bought some differin gel yesterday at Wal-Mart.  It comes in a box. When I got home, I opened the box and it was empty. Someone had stolen the product.  Now, I have to go to Wal-Mart again and see if they will let me get a new one. 

I want to write about 500 things, and I don't want to write at all.  

I'm angry because you got off free.  

Angry because I'm over here suffering and missing you. 

You are over there with your friends and your normal family.

Having a great time.  You probably feel so relieved that I'm gone. 

They've probably already set you up with someone new. 

I wish everyone knew what I knew.  

I still have the letter. I'm not going to lie .......

Sometimes I want to send it to everyone in that town. 

Just pick random addresses and send it .............

Find our who your new girl is and send it to her. 

I can't do it. I won't. Revenge is God's alone. 

Revenge for what anyway ........

Revenge or warning her ......

Did you act that way because of how I was acting   or 

is that your true self...........

Why did T end your engagement ....

Why did you scream at me 

Why did you leave me in the driveway 

Why were you always criticizing me 

You hated it when K would say At least, you're pretty 

You hated it 

Why did you always say it to me 

I'm not stupid.  I was stupid with you 

I felt stupid, I had no confidence 

With you 

Well, I found myself again. 

Guess what?

I am pretty. 

I am intelligent. 

I have a great sense of humor. 

I am a child of God. 

I am a daughter of the King. 

I have good ideas. 

                                                                Never Again 

This is me healing. 

 

   

Dear David - Navigating in the Dark

 May 30, 2026

Saturday 

What am I doing. 

I'm going to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. Its Grace Church.  Grace is a Calvary Chapel.  Have you seen the movie The Jesus Movement?   Google it.   Grace has a radio station called Radio by Grace. They play sermons from different pastors from different Calvary Chapels all over the United States. 

Yesterday I went hiking again. I hiked the CCC trail. Its starts at the bottom of the canyon and goes to the rim. Well, the trail actually starts at the top at the visitor center and goes down to the canyon floor. But I start at the bottom and go up to the visitor's center and then go back down.  I would rather get the uphill over with first. The hike is a really good workout and has awesome views. 

I found a rock or something. It was sticking out of the canyon wall.  It looks like a small clay disc. I don't know if it's a concretion or a pottery game piece from a long time ago, or what. I will include a photo.  I'm writing this because after I found it, I realized all over again that I don't have you anymore. I can't show you the rock. And I really want to. So, I was hiking and crying.  We used to hunt for rocks together. It was so much fun. I left all the rocks we found at your place when I left. I wish I had kept them.  

I want my jewelry box and my earrings you bought me for Valentines Day.  I want my hat. I want the notebook from when you were in MDC.  I want the Pano art you made for me!  I wish I hadn't left all that stuff behind.  I wish I could tell you to send it to me.  

I wish you would come and tell me to come back.  I wish you would .............  I wish 

Fight for me...... Did you ever truly love me?   Throw caution to the wind.... Tell everyone you don't 

care what they think ........ you love me and everything is going to work out ......... Everything would 

have eventually worked out.  Your friends always came before me.  What your friends thought....

their feelings mattered ........................  mine never did. 

Dear David - Regret

 May 01, 2026

Friday

Three weeks ago, today I drove away from what I thought was my forever home. I drove away and left the love of my life.  I didn't want to leave. I wanted to fight for us. But he was done. 

He's done.  He doesn't want me anymore.  He chose his path. I have to choose mine.  Without him.

Is he sad? Does he miss me?  Has he already found someone else?  

I am not checking his Facebook. I'm not texting him or calling him.  There is no chance of me ever seeing him again because we live 6 hours away from each other now.  I just can't check his Facebook. I know he will find someone else soon and I just can't bear to know about it. It would hurt too much.  I'm not posting on Facebook either.  We are still Facebook friends.  He hasn't deleted me. I try to stay away from my page because his picture is on there on the friend's section and it just causes me pain to see it. 

I know people will tell me to block him.  I just can't bring myself to do it. How do you block the person you are in love with? How do you erase them from your life? 

His family are my friends on Facebook too.  I can't delete them.  I love his family. 

So, for now, I'm just playing it safe. I'm laying low to protect myself. 

I was the cause of this. This is all my fault. 

I didn't cheat on him. I would never do that.  Loyalty is my best quality.  

What was my crime?  My crime was not trusting him. All the stupid things I did......

What I said to Y............  

I need to lay this all out. I need to find out why I didn't trust him.  Did he contribute to any of this? Is there a reason for my lack of trust?  I did trust him sometimes. But why not all of the time? 

I've got to go through the entire relationship bit by bit.  I have to figure out why this happened. 

I should have tried harder. 

Dear David -Devastation

 May 02, 2026 

Saturday 

 No job yet.  I've been on 3 interviews.  

I'm starting over.  I never wanted this to happen.  

I hate staying with my parents. 

Wednesday was a good day.  My friend T called and we went and had coffee.  We had a good talk. Then I got my nails done.  In the evening I went to church and sat with my friend and counselor J.  But I am still dealing with loneliness.  As I left the church parking lot, I could see people standing around talking.  J had stopped and was talking to a woman.  Seeing all of this just made me feel lonely.  I hate being alone. 

I don't want to be alone!  I want a boyfriend - husband.  I want a partner.  

I have to trust God. I left a sinful relationship.  We were having pre-marital sex and God plainly states in the Bible that pre-marital sex is a sin.  But I can't take credit for leaving the relationship because I was forced to leave. I didn't want to.  

Thursday, I had an interview in the morning with TPC.  It was for a case manager position with the mobile crisis team.  I don't think I will get it.  I have no experience as a case manager even though I do have the degree. He said they had a lot of applicants.  I am sure they will hire someone with more experience. All I can do is pray and keep applying. I know that God will find me the right job. I just have to trust him.  But that is something I don't do very well. 

After the interview I went home. I was hoping to have some time alone in the house before my parents came back from the barn. I drove by the back to see if the truck was there and it was gone. Thinking that they had both gone to the barn like they normally do, I walked into the house but then I saw the bathroom door was closed in their bedroom and I realized my dad hadn't gone. I just didn't want to be around him so, I decided to go to the barn and see the horses. After spending time at the barn, I didn't really want to spend the afternoon in the house, so I decided to go hiking in the canyons. 

I hiked the CCC trail which starts at the bottom of the canyon and goes to the rim. It's a very rocky trail with a lot of stepping up over boulders.  I like hiking during the week because there aren't as many people hiking. I saw about 8 people on the trail.  Seeing couples hiking together is so hard! It just made me feel lonely and made me miss D so much!  About the halfway mark for the trail there is a memorial bench.  I sat down on that bench and just cried. I cried because I miss D. I cried because I'm so stupid and because I failed the relationship and had such a hard time trusting him.  As I was hiking, I would remember hiking with him. I would pass cactus and bushes with thorns and would remember how he would tell me to watch out for them so I wouldn't get hurt.  Now he's not here to watch out for me anymore!  

I'm crying as I type this.  When will this sadness end?  

Devastation

Dear David - Leaving

Day One 

April 11, 2026 

Leaving New Mexico 

Still so raw.  

It's only been three days since I left.  I don't want to be here.  I didn't want to leave. 

So many regrets.   I'm still in shock. I just can't believe what I did.  Am I crazy?  Being with you 

in New Mexico was all I ever wanted.  I feel like my life is over. 

I want to go back. I want to start again.  I want to rewind time. 

To the end of my days, I will love you.  

I love your family too.  I can't believe I will never see them again.   

But why? Why did I jeopardize all that I loved?  

Why did that come out of my mouth?  I feel like someone else said it.... someone else used my mouth to utter those words. 

But no.  It was me.  I have single handedly ruined my life.  

Leaving was horrible. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay.  I asked you so many times if you were sure you wanted me to leave.  I gave you so many chances to change your mind. I kept waiting for you to change your mind and ask me to stay.  To fight for us. To agree to go to counseling.  But you just kept saying No.  

You looked so sad when I was leaving. You had tears in your eyes.  We hugged 3 times. I said I didn't want to leave. You said, "Just get better". 

I love your hugs so much.  I would give anything to be able to hug you again.   I would give anything to be able to be with you again. I keep hoping I'll get a text or a phone call from you saying you made a mistake and when can I come back?  I know it's wishful thinking. I have this fantasy where I will look out the window and see your truck pull up. And then I run out to you and hug you and you say that you love me too much to give up on me and to please come back. And you help me move back and we work together to build trust and a strong relationship. 

It's just a fantasy. I know that. 

I love you.